Category Archives: Love

I am playing with fire

Yes I am.

There are some days…

There are some days where I just want to scream and then there are days where everything is going great.  Today is one of those days that is somewhere in between.

I still can’t believe that bitch had the nerve to email me for a fundraiser walk even after I made it clear I am not planning on talking to her again. She led me on, took me for granted, flaked out, and withheld information for her benefit.  I wound up losing some opportunities to spend time with others for that woman.  Now, I get the occasional reminder of what I missed out and sometimes it does bother if not hurt me.

That night at the botched open bar was just unpleasant.  I was upset over being led on, the low turnout, the prospect of returning to Quebec, and suspecting the worst in missing out.  I pushed the self-destruct button on myself and it frankly scared the crap out of my co-workers.  One of them thinks I am francophobic while the other thinks I am unstable.  Either way its not good.

Right now, I am not sure if I am dating or just hanging out with some girls.  I can relate better to one but she seems to be at that “party/boozing” phase of her life while the other is cute but seems a bit unhappy and looking for security at that point of her life.  I think I may become good friends with one while the other could be pulling my string (though I hope its not the case).

I should stop going to these meetups.  Most of them are populated by girls in their late 20s or early 30s and mostly filled with strange guys.  Sunday’s meetup was no exception.  It too bad I didn’t get too much time to talk with people I had intended to spend time with and that may work against me.  Maybe I am overanalyzing the situation and I may be one of the more normal guys at that meetup.

I need to go out.  This surbuban lifestyle is stifling.

To the floor

I am not terribly nostalgic, yet sometimes the past does come up.  On one hand the past is way to remind people how much has changed and for some it’s a way to express displeasure at the current situation.  I did see nostalgia as a way to express my frustration at my current situation at one point, and now it’s more a way to remind myself that things are better overall than the past.

While browsing around, I found I still have the old website from the 2001 Governor’s School of International Studies programme online.  For those who don’t know the Governor’s School of International Studies was a state-sponsored summer programme that selected 100 high school students to attend a one-month programme at a state university before their final year of high school.  Most of the kids who were accepted were either rich kids, or top students in the areas of social studies with a multicultural background.

I later learned from one of my colleagues, that the Governor School kids who were at her college were perceived to be rich kids.  Well, I can say that I wasn’t a rich kid, and I was selected because I was a top student in my area and for having a “diverse background”.  Most of the classmates I spent time with were actually top students with diverse backgrounds as opposed to the rich kids who attended private academies that had a fencing clubs, summer homes, electric violins or pure Anglo-Saxon protestants who can directly trace their ancestry to the original American colonists.

The one-month programme had us staying in Quebec City for about a week to learn about their provincial history and the Quebec Separatist (Nationalist) movement.  The next four weeks after Quebec were dedicated to taking international studies courses and doing virtual Model United Nations-like debates.  The final week had our classes conducting a Model United Nations debate in the United Nations conference room.  Overall, I did have a good time in Governor’s School and I made some close friends who I still speak with to this day.

I learned years later that thanks to Jon Corzine, the Quebec trip has been eliminated, the programme now requires qualified applicants to pay tuition if they choose to attend, and some courses were cut.  The only thing that hasn’t changed are the increasing number of rich kids participating in the programme, since they are the only ones who can afford it thanks to Corzine’s changes.

That was a fun summer and it was nice to be able to pad my transcript and LinkedIn with that programme.  It’s also nice to know that I was one of the 100 people who were actually selected by the State to attend the programme against the thousands of students who applied.

Some Model Minorities and rich kid in my school applied to the programme.  The social studies department screened out everyone but me and this other kid.  We were then submitted to the country for the selection process and I made it along with 9 other kids from the country.  After that, I was selected with the other kid from my high school to form the class for the 2001 Governor’s School of International Studies.

Not surprisingly, I won the Social Studies Department award from my high school, which seemed to piss some people off.  I think one Model Minority harboured a petty grudge against me as he felt he was entitled to the departmental award as he was a top student who was accommodated by the administration.

I later learned from a good friend that I was heavily disliked during high school ranging from Model Minorities who felt I shouldn’t be taking honours classes with them, to these bratty Indian kids who thought I ratted out one of their friends (It was Jeff but I took the heat for him), to a few jocks who felt I ruined the curve for them.

Yes, that high school gave me some mixed experiences and most of the people I knew were quite were quite pathetic in hindsight.  The others who I have mended fences with or those who I am generally in good terms with are not an issue.  So no one should honestly expect me to attend a high school reunion where I get to see some former classmates relive their “glory” days or brag about their past successes instead of living in the present and working towards a future.

So I went to celebrate one of my friend’s 21st birthday last night and it’s safe to say he had a celebration.  I won’t go into details but there are pictures that provide bits and pieces of his night.

Enough of that.

So I am back to dating.  One girl seems to be interesting but is busy from what I can see.  The other seems a bit off and I’ll figure out where I want to go when I meet her again.  Maybe I should start going to more social events instead of just sitting around at home in New Jersey.

There is much uncertainty to where I am at the moment.  I am advised to save money and not go get an apartment in light of the escalating recession.  At the same time, I am getting sick of staying in New Jersey and having my activities limited by the train schedules and the brutal commute home.  Besides, I am not the type of guy who really enjoys living under monotonous routines since it makes me feel like I am wasting my life and bores me.

Just a slow Tuesday night

I honestly am reluctant to write despite having many things on my mind.  I finally went out with the girl after nearly 3 months of her either disappearing or flaking out at the last minute.  The date was us mostly talking about random topics and ending with a hug.  She really has a bad habit of not responding to emails and sometimes I feel I am dealing with corporate HR when corresponding with her.  She has a French boyfriend and I have been led on.  This is just wrong.

I hate being played.

I planning to host a free open bar after winning a drawing for such a party.  I just need to remember to call the people tomorrow to get things going.  I am planning on sending out evites to around 80 people and I am expecting no more than 1/4th of the list to actually show up with some guests.

Asian-American issues: where do I start?  As of the past 3 months, I have not had any major Asian-American issues with the exception of one ignorant nurse who remarked that “Asians should not drink” when I was brought to Bellvue for alcohol poisoning during one wild night out.  I honestly do not believe her remarks were out of pure racism but out of ignorance based on stereotypes from the media.

I can spend hours writing about how I was offended and mad, but it really does nothing to change the situation.  There are Asian-American pressure groups that work to prevent and correct such nonsense but they are mostly based in California and possibly Hawaii even though the problems are all over America.  At the same time, these groups are severely fragmented and some of the leading groups are led by individuals who seem to be disconnected with the rest of Asian-Americans.

At this point the only Asian-American involvement from me consists of joining social groups to mingle and meet new people who happen to be Asian or watching the occasional foreign film.

Enough militant Asian-Americans have called on people to support Asian-American media, musicians, and artists, yet few have stepped up.  Is it because these individuals are not up to snuff? Or is it because people have moved on once the hype ended?  I think it is a bit of both.  Many Asian-American personalities tend to become overdependent on using their ethnicity to build up their core support instead of working as individuals to cultivate their craft.  Some exceptions to this are George Takei, Don Ho, Kal Penn, and John Cho.

Asian-American support is only as good as the product itself.  We can have a “Shanghai Kiss” which is a watered-down version of “The Lover”, but generated massive hype from the filmmakers outreach to Asian-Americans and for Hayden from “Heroes” as a lead character.  To be honest, the movie was not that great, but all the massive hype due to its Asian-American nature made it seem like it was on par with “Citizen Kane”.

On the other hand, the television movie “Farewell to Manzanar” with its ensemble cast of Japanese-American and Asian-American characters were able to tell a dramatic tale of WW2 Japanese internment and how it effected a family.  I recommend people to read the novel that the movie is based on.

In her autobiographical novel Farewell to Manzanar (1973), Jeanne Wakatsuki Houston writes about her family’s experiences at Manzanar, a internment camp in California‘s Owens Valley where Japanese Americans were imprisoned during World War II.[2] The novel was adapted in to a television movie in 1976, starring Nobu McCarthy, who portrayed both Houston as well as her mother in the film.[3]

In an effort to educate Californians about the experiences of Japanese Americans who were imprisoned during World War II, the book and the movie were distributed in 2002 as a part of kit to approximately 8,500 public elementary and secondary schools and 1,500 public libraries in California. The kit also included study guides tailored to the book, and a video teaching guide.

Asian-Americans should be supporting movies or literature like the above instead of playing the race card in promoting relatively generic works.   I don’t understand why there has been a lack of proper adaptations to such films despite the body of work from Asian-American writers.  I was disappointed when people did not support Jin but I was glad that people were giving support to actors like John Cho and Kal Penn in whatever films they were in.

I am around

It has been a while since I wrote in this site.  Well, it looks like I did break up with the girl and I think there may be some bitterness on her end.  I put her on limited profile just in case since I really don’t need an angry or bitter ex on my back.

In work, they finally got me a desk and a computer so I can actually start working on-site after two months of waiting.  It’s really not that glamorous but the pay stubs remind me of what I am working for.  Now it is just taking time to adjust to the commute and learning to know my co-workers in the office.

There are days where I feel I am free after being single and then there are days where I missed the good times.  The challenge is just getting back into the rat race after investing so much time into a failed relationship.  I was sad, I am a bit worn, and I am still figuring out my way in this thing.

My good friend got married and I am happy for them.  Now, I need to find an apartment after my vacation in September.

Its going to be a pain visiting Montreal and I need to prepare myself for any surprises along the way.  It’s funny seeing my then-father’s hotel go bust from mismanagement and then prospering after it was sold to Days Inn and revamped into the Days Inn Hotel in downtown Montreal.

The only evidence of the old Hotel Furama is the Restaurant Lotte in the hotel. He spent all that time mismanaging the hotel with his hag at the expense of neglecting his family.  This is all his damn fault.  The Montreal riots from this morning and the weekend really reminded me why I am better off in America.

I hate flakers

So there was this one girl who I gained an interest over several months ago.  Everytime I try to arrange something, she flakes out at the last minutes.  If those were real dates I would have been stood up enough times.  One time she went off the grid for a month and then returned.

I really wonder if there really is an interest on her end or if she is just playing me.  Facebook, meetup adds, and emails.  She is not very responsive and she is a flaker.  I have moved on and that didn’t work out.  Maybe I will try something later in the week.  Then again, she does have her share of guys sweating on her and she may be with someone.

In life, it’s always best to plan for the worse and hope for the best.

Un-Dumped?

This week has been a fucking wreck.  First things go horribly wrong at a scheduled data upload which fucked up the client’s timetable for the next two weeks. Then my “person of interest”, since I am not sure to call her my ex or girlfriend, suddenly goes apeshit over a scratched keyboard and ignores my apologies and my efforts to get the problem fixed.  Apparently, this was over some bad habits I had done which may have led to some dents or rearranged items at her place.  Anyway, she should have told me about my bad habit so I can fix it instead of keeping it all inside and then blowing up at the most random time.

So apparently, she go so “super mad” over the two scratched keyboard buttons that she decides to dump me on facebook by changing her relationship status.  One of the worst ways to end a relationship is on facebook.  This is usually reserved for the insane, the cheats, the immature, and the assorted scum. Dumping someone on facebook is reserved for the lowest of the low.  The fact she decided to nuke our relationship over something that can be resolved is just petty.

When I learned about the news I was a bit upset.  She gave me the impression that the months of dating were meaningless since she was willing to nuke it over a few misplaced, dented or rearranged items.  Yes I was wrong to manhandle certain things or to not immediately tell her if something was dinged out of embarassment, but this does not qualify me for being dumped on facebook.

After about a good two or three days, I thought over the relationship and I feel I am better off not being with her.  There were some things I overlooked for the sake of working it out, but the relationship has become more of a chore than something that can grow.  There is already a communications breakdown since she took some things I said about us in the wrong way and thought I was cheating on her based on my facebook mini-feed.  This is just a red flag.

My friends are saying that I can do better and its time I met someone who is closer to my values and background.  I think they are right and I rather just suspend this relationship if not end it.

After telling her I was upset over the fact she dumped me and for pointing out most of these issues could have been sorted out if she had told me about it in the first place, she later said she didn’t know the change in relationship status meant she ended the relationship.  I am not sure what to say but I do know facebook has her language as an option and the mini-feed did say “xxx xxx is no longer in a relationship and is single” with a broken heart for a symbol.

I think it’s better we are not together.  She said it herself that she needed space and to do her own things.  I spent too much time with her at the expense of my friends.  I really don’t want to be in a relationship being overshadowed by insecurities, miscommunication, and petty issues that can be easily resolved and prevented

There are signs that a storm is looming

All the worst elements creep up on me when I am nearing or supposed to be at a lowpoint.  I see the signs that something is going to happen.

Nutty Week

The promotion has been phased in and now I am waiting for them to process me so I can get started at the new office. The problem is corporate HR takes their sweet time to get things done.

The apartment hunting has begun and it’s been interesting so far with a start in Jersey City. I think it is a nice place to live but I need something a bit closer to the office. So it looks like I am going to look around in Queens next weekend around Sunnyside and maybe go to a party later at night. The current 2 hour commute is starting to wear me down and this is one of the reasons I don’t feel like waking up for the day.

Bill has secured his contract and will be leaving America to teach in South Korea for 1 or 2 years. He unfortunately is ending his relationship with his girlfriend but he feels he needs to do this to figure out what he wants in life and to explore the world. I think I would like to do something like this as my commitments are coming to an end, but I think New York City is the place to start for me.

My relationship is starting to get in the way of my girlfriend’s studies. She didn’t do too well in her first exam and now she needs all the time to get up to speed for the rest of her courses. All I can do is to not get in her way and to just give her the support she needs to get by. It’s funny how this dating didn’t start off as serious and then it kind of grew into what it is now.

The flip side of this is that some girls are now upset that I am “off the market”. One girl is still trying to find time to hang out with me, but she tends to not show up at events while another is just not proactive. Then there is this other girl who seems cute, but seems a bit off. I guess they are all making the same mistakes I made when I was looking for a girl in the past. I used to be proactive, reluctant to go to any social events, and pretending to be someone I am not.

Saturday was the day I went to my classmate’s housewarming party. It was good seeing him and the rest of my business school classmates. Most of them seem to be the same as they were years ago and one is getting married. I think getting married at 24 or 25 is a bit young since there is so much more to explore in this world, but this is just me.

Things went in a different direction last weekend

So I was supposed to break up with her due to the one way feelings and the age difference.  We had decided to have a light lunch at a tea place to talk over this and the breakup wound up lasting for about 3 hours.  After that, I decided to help her get and install an air conditioner in her apartment since I did care about her and there was a wild heatwave in New York City.

It took about an hour for the bus to get back to her place and about another hour to properly install the damn thing into the window.  After that it got to be about 10:00 PM and she invited me for dinner based on her original plans to cook me dinner and spend the night together.  We started talking and then one thing led to another.  After dinner, we spent time together and reconciled through the night; through part of the morning and then part of the afternoon.

I think it was at this point the breakup became moot and the relationship became serious.  There are no promises on where this will go but to just go with the flow.  At the end of the weekend, I was incredibly tired, dizzy, and a bit worn out after a long weekend…

So that’s how things are going in life.  When things weren’t going so well with her at that time, I considered talking to another girl.  However, that girl never shows up and is very unresponsive.  I don’t like being teased and it’s her loss.

In work, I recently accepted a promotion and I will be working in Queens in a few weeks.  This means I will have to wake up an hour earlier to make up for the extended commute and I need to find an apartment soon.  The responsibilities are expanded and the salary is also bumped up to reflect this.  I hope it works out for me.  It will be strange almost returning to the client-side and working for a major financial services organization who is bleeding lots of cash because of subprime.

On a sad note, I learned one of my high school friends has been called to Iraq in July.  I wish him the best and I hope he is stationed in Kurdistan instead of Central Iraq.