I hate flakers

So there was this one girl who I gained an interest over several months ago.  Everytime I try to arrange something, she flakes out at the last minutes.  If those were real dates I would have been stood up enough times.  One time she went off the grid for a month and then returned.

I really wonder if there really is an interest on her end or if she is just playing me.  Facebook, meetup adds, and emails.  She is not very responsive and she is a flaker.  I have moved on and that didn’t work out.  Maybe I will try something later in the week.  Then again, she does have her share of guys sweating on her and she may be with someone.

In life, it’s always best to plan for the worse and hope for the best.

Un-Dumped?

This week has been a fucking wreck.  First things go horribly wrong at a scheduled data upload which fucked up the client’s timetable for the next two weeks. Then my “person of interest”, since I am not sure to call her my ex or girlfriend, suddenly goes apeshit over a scratched keyboard and ignores my apologies and my efforts to get the problem fixed.  Apparently, this was over some bad habits I had done which may have led to some dents or rearranged items at her place.  Anyway, she should have told me about my bad habit so I can fix it instead of keeping it all inside and then blowing up at the most random time.

So apparently, she go so “super mad” over the two scratched keyboard buttons that she decides to dump me on facebook by changing her relationship status.  One of the worst ways to end a relationship is on facebook.  This is usually reserved for the insane, the cheats, the immature, and the assorted scum. Dumping someone on facebook is reserved for the lowest of the low.  The fact she decided to nuke our relationship over something that can be resolved is just petty.

When I learned about the news I was a bit upset.  She gave me the impression that the months of dating were meaningless since she was willing to nuke it over a few misplaced, dented or rearranged items.  Yes I was wrong to manhandle certain things or to not immediately tell her if something was dinged out of embarassment, but this does not qualify me for being dumped on facebook.

After about a good two or three days, I thought over the relationship and I feel I am better off not being with her.  There were some things I overlooked for the sake of working it out, but the relationship has become more of a chore than something that can grow.  There is already a communications breakdown since she took some things I said about us in the wrong way and thought I was cheating on her based on my facebook mini-feed.  This is just a red flag.

My friends are saying that I can do better and its time I met someone who is closer to my values and background.  I think they are right and I rather just suspend this relationship if not end it.

After telling her I was upset over the fact she dumped me and for pointing out most of these issues could have been sorted out if she had told me about it in the first place, she later said she didn’t know the change in relationship status meant she ended the relationship.  I am not sure what to say but I do know facebook has her language as an option and the mini-feed did say “xxx xxx is no longer in a relationship and is single” with a broken heart for a symbol.

I think it’s better we are not together.  She said it herself that she needed space and to do her own things.  I spent too much time with her at the expense of my friends.  I really don’t want to be in a relationship being overshadowed by insecurities, miscommunication, and petty issues that can be easily resolved and prevented

There are signs that a storm is looming

All the worst elements creep up on me when I am nearing or supposed to be at a lowpoint.  I see the signs that something is going to happen.

Nutty Week

The promotion has been phased in and now I am waiting for them to process me so I can get started at the new office. The problem is corporate HR takes their sweet time to get things done.

The apartment hunting has begun and it’s been interesting so far with a start in Jersey City. I think it is a nice place to live but I need something a bit closer to the office. So it looks like I am going to look around in Queens next weekend around Sunnyside and maybe go to a party later at night. The current 2 hour commute is starting to wear me down and this is one of the reasons I don’t feel like waking up for the day.

Bill has secured his contract and will be leaving America to teach in South Korea for 1 or 2 years. He unfortunately is ending his relationship with his girlfriend but he feels he needs to do this to figure out what he wants in life and to explore the world. I think I would like to do something like this as my commitments are coming to an end, but I think New York City is the place to start for me.

My relationship is starting to get in the way of my girlfriend’s studies. She didn’t do too well in her first exam and now she needs all the time to get up to speed for the rest of her courses. All I can do is to not get in her way and to just give her the support she needs to get by. It’s funny how this dating didn’t start off as serious and then it kind of grew into what it is now.

The flip side of this is that some girls are now upset that I am “off the market”. One girl is still trying to find time to hang out with me, but she tends to not show up at events while another is just not proactive. Then there is this other girl who seems cute, but seems a bit off. I guess they are all making the same mistakes I made when I was looking for a girl in the past. I used to be proactive, reluctant to go to any social events, and pretending to be someone I am not.

Saturday was the day I went to my classmate’s housewarming party. It was good seeing him and the rest of my business school classmates. Most of them seem to be the same as they were years ago and one is getting married. I think getting married at 24 or 25 is a bit young since there is so much more to explore in this world, but this is just me.

Things went in a different direction last weekend

So I was supposed to break up with her due to the one way feelings and the age difference.  We had decided to have a light lunch at a tea place to talk over this and the breakup wound up lasting for about 3 hours.  After that, I decided to help her get and install an air conditioner in her apartment since I did care about her and there was a wild heatwave in New York City.

It took about an hour for the bus to get back to her place and about another hour to properly install the damn thing into the window.  After that it got to be about 10:00 PM and she invited me for dinner based on her original plans to cook me dinner and spend the night together.  We started talking and then one thing led to another.  After dinner, we spent time together and reconciled through the night; through part of the morning and then part of the afternoon.

I think it was at this point the breakup became moot and the relationship became serious.  There are no promises on where this will go but to just go with the flow.  At the end of the weekend, I was incredibly tired, dizzy, and a bit worn out after a long weekend…

So that’s how things are going in life.  When things weren’t going so well with her at that time, I considered talking to another girl.  However, that girl never shows up and is very unresponsive.  I don’t like being teased and it’s her loss.

In work, I recently accepted a promotion and I will be working in Queens in a few weeks.  This means I will have to wake up an hour earlier to make up for the extended commute and I need to find an apartment soon.  The responsibilities are expanded and the salary is also bumped up to reflect this.  I hope it works out for me.  It will be strange almost returning to the client-side and working for a major financial services organization who is bleeding lots of cash because of subprime.

On a sad note, I learned one of my high school friends has been called to Iraq in July.  I wish him the best and I hope he is stationed in Kurdistan instead of Central Iraq.

Breaking up is not easy to do

So it’s been a while since I last wrote on this blog. I tried to make things work even after the age difference but it just doesn’t seem to be. She is still nervous about holding hands, kissing at the end of the date seems forced as there is no “chemistry”, and she still wants to keep the dating low-key. Maybe it’s my fault for being too affectionate, which made her uncomfortable or maybe she kept worrying about her age to the point where nothing materialized.

In any event, I do care and respect her so I want to do this as painlessly as possible. The unfortunate realization that this wasn’t going to work in the long-run was the fact I attempted to dissuade her from going clubbing this weekend after learning the event was going to be filled with college frat and sorority kids. It also didn’t help that she did not like alcohol and was from a more conservative background. I think the relationship could have went further but I need to stop it before the situation worsens.

She will hate me for this and so will her friends who were giving me and her useful advice to make this work. The sad reality is that it’s not going to work in the long-run and I think this is as far as I want to take it. I went with the flow and I don’t want to become an asshole by going on with it.

I held her. I held her hand. I even kissed her and told her I wanted to stay longer with her. I don’t want to say shit that will escalate the situation and make her think I am leading her on. It needs to end before the bad thoughts start getting to me. I already noticed signs of aging in her and the fact most of her friends are in their 30s…This needs to stop.

I hate this and I hate myself for doing this, but it needs to be done.

Complicated Complications

Well, I can say that tonight’s date went well for the most part. “Indiana Jones and the Mystery of the Crystal Skulls” was worth the 19-year wait and the Middle Eastern restaurant around Union Square was also a good choice.

I learned tonight why my date was always nervous when we go out and why she wanted to take things slow. It turns out that she was at least 10 years older than me while she thought I was pushing 30. It’s really odd since most people think I am in my early 20s instead of my late 20s and I thought she was at her mid 30s at most. When I first learned about this in our conversation, I wasn’t shocked and I wasn’t upset with her either.

She told me her background and everything that had happened between her youth and the present. It’s a very touching story and I respect her more for taking the risks and being honest about herself. She stopped being nervous after the truth came out and she was glad I didn’t think any differently of her as a result.

She had the impression I was a very serious person, but I told her I was acting like this because she seemed to shy away whenever I try to get close to her. In the end, it didn’t matter. There was concern that this relationship will change, but I am willing to simply go with the flow and hope we are still good friends in the end. There was more affection before we called it a night based on mutual respect and understanding.

I didn’t hold back and I just didn’t care about the age difference. She is who she is and that’s good enough for me.

Things are going complicated right now and that’s the reality. Regardless of what happens from here, I honestly believe she will be the one to revert this into a solid friendship if it comes to that.

This Memorial Day Weekend

It’s been a while since I last posted here.  I am not sure what to make of this blog, but it looks like this is my new de facto personal blog now that my other blog is becoming public.  I guess too much content and too much writing can do that on a search engine.

This week is going to be interesting from here on out.

Thursday – Another day at the office and then possibly to a co-worker’s farewell.  If that doesn’t pan out, I will congratulate my quasi-date/quasi-gf/friend on surviving her finals.  Then I will call up the good buddy to plan for Friday

Friday – A night out for happy hour at St. Mark’s Place from the local Asian-American nightlife and charity networking group.  It seems that most young Asian professionals are attending these events and it’s a great place to meet girls and some contacts.  Plus happy hour makes the night interesting.

Saturday – No idea to be honest.  Either I am going on a date for “Indy 4” and dinner or I am going on a date to explore the Museum of Natural History and then dinner.  I really need to start planning out the dinner and movies part tomorrow night once she is free.

Sunday – A day out to a friend’s party in the East Village.  I am told the turnout is going to be reasonable and it will be a bit wild.  Wild is what I need since Monday is just around the corner…

Monday – A day spent with the family to remember the one year passing of my uncle from terminal pancreatic cancer.  The ultimate tragedy is that they misdiagnosed him with lung cancer and he made all his major choices around this instead of the right ones if they had properly diagnosed his cancer.  It is what it is.

I really don’t believe in destiny.  One in 20 million; the nice, passionate, fun and beautiful girl who is loved by all. Yet, she is just incredibly intangible for many different reasons.  I was always told my destiny would to just pass as a good little Model Minority and spend the rest of my days droning away in New Jersey…I’m still weirded out by this but I am no longer in a funk.  It’s just another test in coming to terms with the past.

Everyone is getting married

I just learned that my Japanese penpal for over a year is getting engaged to her boyfriend.  This is almost surreal since I had corresponded with her for nearly a year but never met her in person.    Then on the work side, things were really shitty yesterday and things kind of slowed down in the strangest times, which made me feel like a slacker especially when one of my bosses came to check on me.

I didn’t get to get any free ice cream from Ben & Jerry’s today as the schedule was just hectic.  Still can’t believe my penpal is getting hitched, one of my 23-year-old classmate is pregnant, while I am feeling somewhat awkward about my current relationship.

Now I need to figure out what is a good wedding gift for my other friend’s wedding in the summer.

The odds are unlikely

It was a good Friday night out watching Harold and Kumar 2, eating out in Koreatown and eventually going out for a night of karaoke again.

It has been said that things happen for a certain reason. Maybe that’s true or maybe not. Then again, what are the odds I would actually meet someone from my distant past in a place like New York City? A place with a population of over 20 million with hundreds of thousands if not millions of people traveling in and out of the city on an almost hourly basis.

The odds are incredibly low given that no other person besides me would have known the exact places, events, people and even streets from my so-called hometown. It’s a so-called hometown because I don’t identify with it in any way, shape or form even though I lived there for several years. If anyone asked in the past, I simply tell them my hometown is around Ontario and go out of my way to distance myself from French Canada.

It was interesting because the things that happened there really affected how I saw myself for several years. This is also one of the reasons why I am so interested in Asian-American issues and their goal to destroy all stereotypes associated with the White-imposed “Model Minority” view of Asians.

Whenever, I talk about my real background, people either think I need more “imagination”, claim I lifted my account from a disadvantaged minority (Black or Hispanic) or say I completely fabricated it. Then my so-called fellow “Model Minorities” often dismiss me as a reject because I completely deviated from their cookie-cutter Asian-American background.

I really don’t like talking about that aspect of my life. It’s unpleasant and really can bring the worst out of me. Yet, it is a crude reminder on why I am still here and moving along. It also a reason why I had to purge myself of my knowledge of the French language, my Catholic upbringing from the missionaries who regularly visited the Quebecois schools (I gradually lost faith in God from my time in America), and why I went out of my way to changing myself.

I think the person I met may have been in my kindergarten class back in the day if I think she is who I think she is. I know the story was a bit outrageous at first and there was a need to find my grade school pictures on facebook, which was on record. She found me and a flood of emotions and memories started coming again. People I knew back then seemed to have turned out fine based on their present-day pictures on facebook.

The nice girl I knew still looked the same and a bit older. The asshole I knew from the past still looked like an asshole and a wannabe Eurotrash while the shy girl looked friendlier. The red-haired girl also turned out ok and I think she was the only Anglophone in that class I actually talked to. This may explain why certain names and personalities seemed to resonate when I was in America. It must be from some residual memories that still lingered from all these years.

Facebook can be interesting and some must be surprised that I was tagged on the old pictures and the girl who posted them must be wondering who the hell I am since I never went by my current name in the past. I essentially disappeared after first grade and no one from that school would have heard from me ever since. It wasn’t so much the discrimination though that actually worsened after I transferred from the Canadian school to the Quebecois school, but the fact I was living in a very broken home.

This was the reason why I was such a jerk to the girls. Chucking snowballs, pranks and assorted antics on the girls and being picked on by most of the White kids at that time. The then-father didn’t care since he just dismissed me as the person who started the fights and told the administration not to bother if anything happened to me. Failed nearly every exam and rarely got any real work done, which meant I learned nothing at that time.

Well, they can be assured that I am still living and breathing and still sane despite living in America for nearly a decade. They should know I did not drop out of high school, get hooked on drugs or alcohol and did not get some girl pregnant, or involved in organized crime (or worse). They can know that I did graduate from both high school and college with scholarships, lived in a stable home for the most part, and better off than before. Most of all, I am more content with my life that I was in years.

I honestly believe the school administration failed to intervene since they just dismissed the problem as just a difference in culture or they just didn’t have the means to do it at the time. The fact that nearly every organized institution from the public or the family unit has failed me in my life is one reason why I am so distrustful of institutions and more individualistic than others.

It was suggested that I talk about these things on a blog or something along those lines. There was a time when I did this during my college days, and the things I wrote about were used against me by my then-friends, people professing to be pious Christians and immature girls. People used it to put me down or used the information to harm me for their own benefit.

So I will not go in depth on myself and I rather talk in person with people I trust or like for now. I think this will be enough for tonight and I look forward to a pleasant and warm Sunday.